Things I Have Confiscated from 9-Year-Olds in the Past Three Weeks


A Narrative of Life as a Child Warden

  1. One plastic skull;
  2. One zombie finger;
  3. Four plastic dimes;
  4. One set of playing cards;
  5. One crocheted hat (subject of a vigorous debate over whether “Rastafarian” and “Jamaican” were synonymous);
  6. Three poker chips;
  7. One small orange monster toy;
  8. Three LEGO minifigures;
  9. Uncountable dry erase markers (also known as “I can doodle on my desk” markers);
  10. One noisemaker;
  11. One rubber bracelet (post-launching at another student in hallway);
  12. One water bottle (post-creating loud whistling noises with the straw);
  13. Two six-sided dice and one ten-sided die;
  14. One stuffed bear;
  15. Two cell phones;
  16. One pair of boots;
  17. Three paper airplanes;
  18. Two sets of noise-canceling headphones (being used during whole-class instruction);
  19. Four books being read at inappropriate times (one, in classic fashion, being nested behind the social studies text. The owner, upon being discovered and told he was “Not that subtle” then attempted to read under his desk);
  20. One pair of scissors and a pencil (owner claimed he was “whittling”);
  21. One glue stick;
  22. Two rolls of tape being used to create beards during cleanup time;
  23. Two action figures (one Batman, one unidentified);
  24. One Bride to Be sash;
  25. Three boxes of goopy moldable eraser substance;
  26. One baseball cap;
  27. Seven blocks of Post-it notes whose primary function was decorating the desks of children who were paying no attention to anything ever; and
  28. Three calculators being used for opaque and nefarious purposes.

My mentor – who is hilarious – suggested purchasing a large glass container in which to store all of my prizes and then giving it, county fair-style, to the child who most accurately guessed the number of contents at year’s end. I am sorely tempted by this.

Stay tuned for updates on the first weeks of school (they rocked), how I deal with students who can’t stop talking while I’m talking (oh, they stop talking while I’m talking), and the time I nearly faceplanted after tripping over the projector cord (it was pretty funny).